Englestead Canyon, Orderville, Utah
“Events do not cause emotions. Beliefs interact with events to cause emotions.” -JM
Unconditional Positive Regard
I told you a lot about my last trip to southern Utah with Waypoint Vets here. If you did not read it, you should. Their, or rather our, mission is incredibly important. We aim to keep veterans alive. We are not here to solve their problems. We do not even need to know what their problems are. We do need to build and maintain meaningful connections so that our brothers and sisters do not have to face their problems alone. This requires constant development of listening skills and my favorite thing – unconditional positive regard. Unconditional positive regard is something JM taught me and highlights for me how hard I am on myself. Because I am so hard on myself, I can tend to be hard on those around me. To have unconditional positive regard is to have complete acceptance and show support of a person regardless of what they say or do. I previously thought I was pretty hardcore with my goal to always assume positive intent. I was wrong. Assuming positive intent is judgmental. Unconditional positive regard is not. And it is hard, maybe especially when it begins at home, in your own heart, in how you treat yourself.
I have never had a positive relationship with myself. I am never smart enough, fast enough, cool enough, strong enough, or pretty enough. And I am relentless. Nothing I do ever passes the test. I think I even move the goal post; as in, even if I what I produced was a success, I am a pro at finding a way for it to be a fail. One of the first things we learned in the seminar was “Events do not cause emotions. Beliefs interact with events to cause emotions.” Oofta.
So, practical exercises don’t make me feel stupid. I feel stupid when I am performing practical exercises with my Waypoint brothers and sisters because I believe I am not good enough to help others.
Gross. I hate it. That felt awful to admit. As part of the program, JM placed a requirement on each of us to take space at some point to “check-in” with this reflection. As in, call everyone’s attention, and complete your check-in of your emotional state, but in the above format where we acknowledge how our beliefs interact with events to cause emotions. I can barely think of anything worse than demanding that everyone around me stop what they are doing to pay full attention to me while I discuss my feelings. So, I did it nearly right away. Like canyoneering, I could not stand the idea of simmering in the fear, so I had to do it first. “I feel terrified. I feel terrified when I take space and the expectation is that you all have to pay attention to me. I feel this way because I believe I am not worthy of said attention.” My knees were literally knocking during those three sentences.
I have said it before, but JM is probably a genius. He leveled us up with every challenge. He placed the bar high and we could not do it without vulnerability and enduring commitment and without one another. I cried two days in a row and in front of people. I rappelled down canyon walls. I BACKSLID down canyon walls! I took space and shared my emotional state. It seemed like JM had done everything he could to turn us inside out. But, he had more.
Englestead Canyon
We knew the last day was going to be a surprise. The only details we had were by accident – that it was something Sarah had not done before and that the setup required a couple of hours. JM left early in the morning and Zion Guru took us for a hike. We got to the Observation Point trailhead, which was really exciting. We had no idea what we were doing for our surprise, so we were imagining getting to share this epic hike together. Nope. Zion Guru took us down a dusty road that connected to a trail that would not be apparent to anyone not very familiar with the area. The trail quickly became extremely steep and pretty treacherous until it dumped us into a wash. We continued along the wash, crossing the creek a few times, wondering what in the fuck we were actually doing.
Excitement kept me at the front of the pack, but the hike just seemed so…regular. Until. Until the genius of JM shined again. Through the trees I suddenly saw an opening to so much color. ALL of the color. Brilliant blue sky meeting vibrant green trees, and they rose above incredible white and red striped sandstone. I got closer to the break in trees to realize we made it to the top of a canyon.
At the exact moment that I thought we must be rappelling into the canyon, I saw the rope extended across it and I hear, “Hi TeddiJo.” Shit. We are not rappelling. Rappelling would have been scary enough. But, that is not why we are here. Here in this canyon, but also here at this leadership seminar, and also here on this earth. We are not here to do the the work that is “scary enough.” We are here to do ALL of the work. We are here to honor the fallen by living. We were here to highline. This day was meant to show me that conquering (although I have not conquered them, but I am certainly showing up now to deal with them) my emotional fears of being vulnerable and taking space make other fears so much more manageable. Perhaps even smaller. Maybe just more manageable.
We were tasked with getting ourselves across the canyon and then allowing our peers to bring us back. Stepping off the ledge was HARD. I have watched the video of me doing it and it is honestly ridiculous. I am so far off the ledge and still clinging to it with my toes, as though that was helping at all.
The entire thing took probably 2.5 minutes. 2.5 minutes to change my life. I only had to step off a cliff. Which took less than 30 seconds. There are many quotes out there about how it only takes a few seconds of courage to ask for what you want. “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.” -Benjamin Mee, from We Bought a Zoo. Accepting Sarah’s invitation to be a leader took 20 seconds. Completing the check-in of my emotional state took 20 seconds. Stepping off the edge of the cliff took 20 seconds. 20 seconds by 20 seconds I will lean into treating myself with unconditional positive regard. If I can step off a literal cliff, surely I can do this. And so it goes. JM and his plan seems to work.
Waypoint Vets
We aim to keep veterans alive. We WILL keep veterans alive. We will use these experiences in nature to create connections within our veteran community and connections within ourselves. We honor the fallen by living.
I want to add that if you feel compelled, please help our mission by donating to Waypoint Vets. If you are a veteran and want to join us, follow the same link to apply. Lastly, if you are a veteran in need of assistance or support, feel free to contact me here or on the Waypoint website. You’ve got this. We’ve got you.