Exploring the American Wilderness and Other Adventures

Mickinnick Trail, Sandpoint, Idaho

I failed today. It was really hard. Not that I never fail – everyone fails. But, I think I usually find myself just having to accept I am slower than I want to be or used to be, but still making it to the end, whatever that means. Still a failure, because I did not achieve what I intended, but still managed to squeeze lemon in my eye or whatever it is you are supposed to do when life gives you one of those things. Today I was slower than I wanted to be and used to be, but I also did not make it to the end. No lemonade.

I was supposed to be at a race today. A really fun one. Walla Walla 6 Hour is something I have written about before – it is a women’s only race of completing loops through the forest for six hours. Unfortunately, The Big C, or the See You Next Tuesday, or #fuckcancer, has handed me my ass all week and I am feeling about as good as…well, squeezing a lemon in my eye would be preferable.

Elevated pain means increased fatigue, brain fog, depression, and decreased immune system. It is a really cool combination, especially during the longest and strongest cold/flu/allergy season that has ever been recorded. Hashtag winning or something. Anyway, no race.

This may be surprising, but I am not a good patient and I am not good at sitting around waiting to get better. So, I scooped up Sam Dog and left town for a small hike. A. Small. Hike.

Jeezus fuck.

Mickinnick Trail is not a small hike when your body is obliterating itself. It may not be a small hike when your body is NOT doing that. I simply remember it is a place that I ran the last time I was here. Ran. RAN. Today I could not even walk to the top.

Mickinnick Trail is about an hour north of Coeur d’Alene, in Sandpoint, near Schweitzer Mountain. I often hear people pronounce it like Mickin-Ick. I pronounce it like Mc-Kinnick. I cannot even get my mouth to say “Mickin-Ick.” It is weird.

This challenging trail rises more than 2,000 feet in its length (the hike is 7 miles round trip) – that’s a workout, especially on a warm summer day. The east-facing aspect of the trail makes it more user-friendly in the afternoon. The trail leads through open forest on a rocky hillside, and ends on a rocky knob commanding a view of Sandpoint, the Long Bridge, the Cabinet Mountains and Lake Pend Oreille.

https://visitsandpoint.com/activity/mickinnick-trail/

It begins at a nice trailhead right outside of town. The parking lot is a good size, and there is a bathroom, map, and bear safe garbage bins. The trail begins in a small meadow but quickly meets the forest. I suppose in North Idaho everything quickly meets the forest. Shortly after you are in the forest, the incline begins. There are really beautiful views nearly immediately after you begin the ascent and they continue the entire way.

Well, today “the entire way” was 1.5 miles up, instead of the 3.5 to the summit. It really sucked. I can often push myself through extraordinary amounts of this pain, but either the pain is more right now or my mind is less. I practiced being mindful, breathing, taking breaks, shaming myself, and even using this blog as a reason why I could not turn around early. Why? What the fuck, self. The entire point of writing all this gibberish is to help people be okay with who they are, where they are.

So, I took a long break halfway up, and when I began walking again I felt even worse. So, I turned around. And that is okay. Sam Dog will keep hiking with me. My family does not love me less. I do not make less money. My friends are still there for me. The world continues the same as it would if I had made my goal.

I do not feel good. And I do not feel good about not feeling good. I feel sad and angry and alone. Sometimes I wish I had a purple face or a dick growing out of my head so that it would be more obvious that I am sick with something I cannot beat. (Although, if it was a dick, I could beat it.) Perhaps then the world would stop continuing as it does and it would feel a little better to feel so bad.

I am probably going to try to climb a big hill tomorrow anyway.